Thank You (?) Letter to Santa

December 28, 2009

Dear Santa,

Thank you for bringing all the nice gifts to my family this year. However, there are a few gifts that I'd really like to return as soon as possible. You didn't provide a receipt with them, so I'm hoping that maybe you could drop them in Fed Ex today for me. You gave 3 of my kids the stomach flu. I think you may have wildly misinterpreted my wish for less rambunctiousness in the house. While this "gift" indeed made my wish come true, I found it to be tacky and a tad cruel. So see if you could rush those receipts to our house.

My husband wished for some rest on his "staycation" this week. However, I think you got the intent all wrong again. While one does lots of resting when one is given an achy fever, this is not at all what he was hoping for. The receipt for this one would be much appreciated.

So the old expression "You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth" pops to my mind. Because this year your gifts really demonstrate a propensity for you to be a horse's ass. So I'm looking right into the horse's mouth... or anus, whichever is more apt. I always appreciate a good joke. But your sick and twisted sense of humor has made me a tad dubious of your intentions. Don't be surprised if we take a pass on sitting on your lap next year. Or maybe I will sit on your lap... and rip a huge fart while I'm there.

Regards,
The Gregory family