The Oddity of Being a Middle-Aged Woman

Sprinting, Sweating, and Skinny Dipping

2010-06-23T23:32:00.005-04:00

The humidity and temperature didn't fall with the sun, so I was drenched with sweat as I ran to Evanescence "Bring Me to Life." I have a whole workout playlist on my Ipod with angry, soulful music. Whenever I hear it I want to run as fast as I can. I feel my thigh muscles pushed to the limit as I gasp for breath. The angry songs push me farther. I finally stop when my chest feels like it's about to explode. In that moment, the anger and pain deep inside of me seeps out a bit. I imagine it's like a healing gash that oozes pus occasionally. The wound remains but a little bit of it has escaped.

I got home and headed straight to my pool. I stripped down & hopped in to the crystal-clear water, which retained the heat of the day. I layed back and floated quietly, watching the stars above me. The full, bright moon cast watery shadows on the bottom of the pool. I listened to the night sounds of the neighborhood- crickets chirping and air conditioners humming. Fireflies lit up the trees otherwise black in the shadows of night.

It was a peaceful, beautiful moment alone in nature without being lonely. I suppose those moments surround me all the time but I'm too thick or self-absorbed to recognize them most days. That's the secret to life, isn't it? To see the beauty whenever it comes, which is whenever it damn well pleases. It doesn't consult my calendar and tell me to be ready on a certain day. Nope. I've just got to get out of my head and pay attention.

What Little I've Learned

2010-03-15T13:36:00.006-04:00

"Thou shouldst not have been old till thou hadst been wise."
Shakespeare

'Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.'
CS Lewis

"You can't fix stupid."
Ron White

I've getting more and more wrinkles. When exactly will I become wise? When will I learn from all these harsh experiences that make up my existence? What does wisdom look like, what does it feel like? I don't even know where to look for it. The more I learn, the more unanswerable questions I ask. So is that wisdom; the recognition that I will never have the answers?

Or is this simply the proof that I'm insolvably stupid?

I found a very wise man's blog, Sid Parham at http://oldbeforewise.com/. This particular post moved me to tears. He spoke about how a recent exchange sparked some old memories:

"I remembered people I hadn’t thought about in years and wondered what had happened to them, but not enough to google them and find out. I remember the brash, confident, and fairly foolish young man I had been with more fondness than chagrin. But mostly I marveled at how memory can serve up images that seem really fresh, even though I know they are over 40 years old. I regret nothing I have done, but know that too many of my days have not rendered up images that will sustain me. I was happy to discover this one still does."

So, how do you fill your life with images that sustain you? Do you follow Eleanor Roosevelt's advice:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt

By taking risks do you gain sustenance? Or are you sustained by duty, doing what must be done regardless of whether it's convenient or attractive?

"True happiness is to understand our duties toward God and man; to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence on the future; not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears, but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is abundantly sufficient."
Seneca

He's right. I'm not satisfied with what I have. I am a spoiled child yearning for the newest, shiniest toy that the other kid has. But when I think about my days fulfilling duty, I don't feel particularly sustained. I don't feel regret, but I don't feel any great sense of triumph or accomplishment. My favorite snapshots of my life come from the riskiest moments- hanging myself way out on a limb, vulnerable from all angles. Sometimes the risk did not pay off. But at least I found out.

When do I get to have a few answers in my life? Is that what heaven is; when God sits you down and explains it all to you slowly and patiently? Each of your life's experiences are shown to you in a slideshow and you finally see how they fit tightly together like a Cohen Brothers' film. One experience loses its meaning without being viewed along with the rest.

Maybe. But I'm too stupid right now to know.

Thank You (?) Letter to Santa

2009-12-28T12:17:00.004-05:00

December 28, 2009

Dear Santa,

Thank you for bringing all the nice gifts to my family this year. However, there are a few gifts that I'd really like to return as soon as possible. You didn't provide a receipt with them, so I'm hoping that maybe you could drop them in Fed Ex today for me. You gave 3 of my kids the stomach flu. I think you may have wildly misinterpreted my wish for less rambunctiousness in the house. While this "gift" indeed made my wish come true, I found it to be tacky and a tad cruel. So see if you could rush those receipts to our house.

My husband wished for some rest on his "staycation" this week. However, I think you got the intent all wrong again. While one does lots of resting when one is given an achy fever, this is not at all what he was hoping for. The receipt for this one would be much appreciated.

So the old expression "You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth" pops to my mind. Because this year your gifts really demonstrate a propensity for you to be a horse's ass. So I'm looking right into the horse's mouth... or anus, whichever is more apt. I always appreciate a good joke. But your sick and twisted sense of humor has made me a tad dubious of your intentions. Don't be surprised if we take a pass on sitting on your lap next year. Or maybe I will sit on your lap... and rip a huge fart while I'm there.

Regards,
The Gregory family